The Batffleck Cometh

And with it comes the inevitable criticism which goes hand and hand with the casting of a well-known and much beloved character the good people of this great nation have grown up imagining. Especially when they fuck it up this bad.

Now I will admit I was skeptical at first when Henry Cavill was announced as the Man of Steel. I love Superman. And I loved Henry Cavill in The Tudors- but would I love them together? I’ve always been of the mindset that no one would ever be good enough to don that red cape; no one would ever be Christopher Reeve again. I was not very outspoken against the choice though, as honestly I could think of no other actor I would choose to take the role. I got the pleasure of being pleasantly staggered at the midnight premiere of Man of Steel, when Cavill stepped into that costume and owned it. Owned it like it was, and had always been, meant for him. So naturally the next step is to completely screw the franchise and turn his amazing portrayal into a farce by making his sequel into what is quite possibly the cruelest joke ever to be played on Geekdom- and make Ben Affleck the new Batman. When I first heard the news, I sent a mass text:

“The world has just ended. They’ve casted Ben Affleck as Batman. I’ll be in the apocalypse panic room eating spam.” And began to grieve.

I wonder how this could have possibly come to pass. I can’t imagine the phrase: “Do you know what this franchise really needs? Ben Affleck! He was so great in Gigli!” coming out of anyone’s mouth ever, so it probably went more like this:

“Well gee Wally, we really need to think about this. We’re sitting on a potential gold mine here, we’re really going to have to put a lot of legwork into finding the right guy. Or we could just use Affleck. He’s outside anyway.”

I can think of a whole host of things that would make a better Batman than Ben Affleck:

-The Aflac duck in a mask

-Laser cats

-My right foot

-A mannequin (actually that’s pretty much even keel)

-Snuffaluffagus (sp?)

-Kristen Stewart

In all seriousness, unlike when I was worried about Man of Steel there actually ARE actors I would prefer to see put on the cowl. Sit back and imagine for a moment the glory that would be Karl Urban as Batman. Let that sink in and lament for what should have been.

Now I actually liked Argo. I really did. Does one good movie make him a good enough actor to play Batman though? Are we really answering the immortal question "Where's Bane?" with "Argo fuck yourself?"

I received an email this morning, an attempt to talk me off of the ledge with all the soothing “ooba” of a maternity droid. I was reminded of the backlash and horror when Heath Ledger was first cast in what he made an iconic role as The Joker. I was reminded there are people with actual brains in their heads behind this decision. People who would not make this choice lightly over a mason jar of moonshine and a watermelon bong. And so I will calm down and give it a chance.

Better make it good, Armageddon man. Or it truly will be.